Written: Sunday, February 7, 2010
Please press ‘One’ by Christopher M. Bohan
“Please press ‘One’ if you would like to speak to a Customer Service Representative.”
Bob presses one.
“Thank you. One moment, please.”
Bob yells at his dog to get off the couch.
“Please be patient. We will be right with you.”
Bob opens a can of coke and it explodes all over the living room rug. Bob swears.
“We do not appreciate vulgar language and reserve the right to terminate the call if you become hostile in any way.”
Bob begins to rub the carpet where the Coke spilled.
“You should pat with a damp cloth. Don’t rub, it will get into the fibers.”
Bob looks up to search for a camera but cannot locate one.
“There are no cameras, Bob. You are just very predictable.”
Bob responds, “Who are you? Why did you call me?”
“You called us, Bob! Paranoid Anonymous. Remember?”
Bob responds, “No.”
“We didn’t think so. Don’t worry, Bob. Everything is going to be okay.”